I knew I was getting ready for something BIG because I could feel a breakdown coming on.
In the past couple of weeks I have created experiences that gave me opportunities to either speak up or stay silent.
I stayed silent.
And it brought up the times in my life when I didn’t speak up.
The result?
A couple of days ago I lost my voice almost completely. I was able to get out a whisper yesterday. Today it’s a little better.
I am currently experiencing laryngitis. (see the meaning of this below – holy moly)
Not only is this annoying because I’m a woman of MANY words, but at my mastermind retreat we are recording videos for our marketing funnels. Everyone in my group is doing this except for me. I’m writing my scripts and sequences and will be recording my videos when I get my voice back.
Yesterday I was really pissed. I was angry. I was frustrated. I felt like my body let me down.
How is it that being a woman whose purpose is to empower women to find their voice and express their soul purpose created this experience?
Staying silent started when I was a kid. I was almost deaf when I was young. I read lips as a way to “hear” people. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t hear so I didn’t speak up. I didn’t ask questions. I looked for any visual clues as to tell me what to do.
I didn’t say anything. I just went with it.
Then when I was eight years old I was officially brought into a religion that I didn’t totally understand. There was a moment in the process of joining this religion that the men in the church surrounded me and blessed me with God’s blessing as a way to connect me to the Holy Spirit.
I remember sitting there wondering why this process would instill something in me that I had been connected to my whole life. I could feel the unconditional love from these men but I was still confused.
I didn’t say anything. I just went with it.
It wasn’t until I was 19 when I left that religion and spoke up for what I really believed in. I then went on to study Buddhism for three years. And that is what started me on my path of self development and spirituality that really spoke to my soul.
Fast forward to the past week.
I had an opportunity to go to an event in California in November and share a room with a colleague. I made the decision last year then when I go to events I don’t share rooms with people other than my sister, a very close girlfriend, or my husband. I like having my own space. I like walking in my underwear in my room. I like having pure silence in the morning and evening. Yet I heard myself agreeing to share a room in the sake of saving money, which triggered old scarcity issues.
The next opportunity was when I bought a car last week and was told that I would get certain things in the purchase. When I sat down with the finance person to go over the details she revealed that the ways I was going to get “taken care of” were not there. It was going to cost me over $2,500 to get the things I was promised. The person telling me how good they were taking care of me wasn’t honest with me.
Then I was quoted the wrong amount for the actual price of the car. The actual amount was over $3,000 more than what I was told.
I asked about the price of the car and didn’t ask for a negotiated rate. I just went with it.
I didn’t want to appear like I was cheap or trying to get something for nothing, which is one of my own pet peeves.
For the bonuses I thought I would get, I didn’t say a damn thing. Nothing. Nada. I told myself that since I was already approved for the full amount of the financing I needed to just go with it and not be “difficult.”
I just went with it. I didn’t say anything.
What the hell was this powerful woman who has freakin’ coached people on how to have powerful conversations doing staying silent?
And there I was….silent….super angry at myself…super angry at how I was treated and the lack of integrity if the car dealership. But mostly angry at how I just went with it.
I said nothing.
So I created a physical response in my body to be silent.
I believe that everything we create physically first starts energetically. And that is a tough pill to swallow when our body experiences pain and dis-ease.
I love Loiuse Hay and her book “You Can Heal Your Life.”
Here is what she says about laryngitis.
Ironic? I think not.
Perfect? Yep.
I went to sleep last night and prayed to release the anger and to forgive myself. I made a new commitment with myself to speak up.
This morning I woke up feeling like a new woman. I had more of my voice back – it’s still really quiet and raspy but it’s more than a whisper now.
This was holding me back in my business because even though I’m honest and bold, there are still moments I was choosing to stay silent.
Here is what I learned (and still in the process of learning):
- I tend to hide behind my words so I can try to soften my bold direct energy or make myself sound smart, especially when I feel insecure.
- My power comes from my energy and my commitment to live my purpose, which doesn’t require speaking.
- I am my message by simply BEing my essence. Words are often a distraction.
- The longer I am angry at myself, the longer the stuck energy trapping my voice will stick around.
- Self forgiveness is key to success.
- Speaking up, especially when it’s uncomfortable, is essential to being the impact I want to be in the world.
If I’m not speaking up at the car dealership, then where am I not speaking up in my business? I realized that there is yet ANOTHER layer to my brand and my core message that I have been attempting to hide.
That truth is that at my core I am a healer and a spiritual teacher. The vehicle in which I share that truth is through my business as a spiritual business coach and intuitive strategist.
My core values are spirituality, connection to Source and intuition. Business is second.
Whoa.
There it is. It’s who I am.
The world needs to HEAR the real YOU ~Contact.FirstName~. Not the rehearsed you that is trying to please others. Or the pretend you that is following all the rules of success.
But the REAL, messy, crazy, imperfect YOU.
As I continue to heal this laryngitis and moment to moment forgiving myself for all of the times I didn’t speak up, I learn that my real voice, the one deep inside that is bigger than any word can fill, is here to stay and I’m up to big things.
I’ll be making an announcement this weekend about how you can be part of this movement
I’ve created a movement of REAL women who are sharing their messages in bigger ways in the world.
It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s not for people who want to pretend they are normal as an attempt to fit in and be invisible.
It’s for you if you are ready to jump in even while feeling the fear. It’s for you if you know that your message and place in the world needs to expand so you can fulfill your purpose AND fill your bank account with consistent money that has more meaning. If you know this is you, let me know.
Stay tuned.
Speak up. Be heard.
Love,
Angella
